Friday, August 21, 2015
Germany: Week 2 Post Jet Lag
Two weeks in and we've conquered jet lag, house hunting, eating out in public PROPERLY (yes, there's a right and wrong way to eat a pizza here), driving the autobahn, getting a ticket off the autobahn [cue eye roll], and found an asian store to bridge the food gap for our filipino necessities. It's been so overwhelmingly busy and wonderful in the last 14 plus days.
There's two parts of this experience that needs to be factored in here: The, "I left America and yes, I know this is a different country" and the military side; the side that actually is my constant currently. I truly thought that being a Navy brat would have prepared me for this transition, but being the parent and the wife of the service member makes me realize that our military mommies really took the wrap for all of us. From the in-processing chaos to the "keeping the peace at home" when in reality we haven't had a home of our own for the last 98 days. I've grown accustomed to washing laundry the same way we eat; everyday. I've done some shameful things as a minimalist such as, take more than enough salt and pepper packets from the food court just so I don't have to buy another shaker of salt and pepper, I've hid my complimentary coffee packets (with to-go mugs and lids) so that our housekeeper would give us more while we're still living "free" here in TLF, and last but not least, I realize I have acquired a very large haul of *sigh*.... hotel toiletries from all our stays at hotels and Inns since I've moved out. I'm not proud of it, but I justify this questionable action with, "it's for my guests I plan to over the next three years." So, for all you tentative visitors, know that you will have quality guestroom toiletries from across the country, literally.
On the real, it's been so much fun here in Germany. Last weekend, our new friends invited us to our first German festival called, "The Festival of Pigs" or better known to the natives here as, Saubrennerkirmes in a town called Wittlich. The story behind it all is just so funny, you just have to read about it yourself.
Anyways, I realize there's a few things Germany does right:
1. Recycling
2. Respect
3. Rest
Yes, recycling. Duuuuuuude. It's crazy intense here, like, you'll get fined for having trash separated improperly crazy here. I'm not gonna go into it here, but if you are interested for whatever reasons, leave a comment and i'll put something together in detail.
Respect. We need more of this back home. Everyone here respects everyone, from their neighbor to their cats (don't run them over [cats] you'll get fined for leaving a mess). As an American, we're so self-involved that I don't think we notice it when it's happening. We're spoiled with unlimited data and access to the internet so easily that we don't really take the time to notice the things and people around us. We just got our cell phones this week and we're only given 2GB, TWO GIGABITS MAN.... per month. So yeah, I don't use it unless it's completely necessary. Wifi's the thing here and sharing with a thousand people gets pretty challenging momentarily. But where was I, ah, respect! Yes, everyone seems to acknowledge each other no matter at what awkward distance they may be. It just doesn't happen here [the awkward stare that turns into regret instantaneously but you need to commit to the eye contact so you don't seem rude, glance]. Germans are great hand shakers. You feel their generosity in their firm yet kind grips. They are blunt, but kind. Efficient yet patient, and altogether good people and I feel honored to live among them.
This leads to my last point of priority: Rest. They have set times for quiet time which is every day from 6-8 morning and night and all day Sunday. If America actually set time aside to rest, I feel, in my opinion, we would be more...harmonious. Lol! That's just my opinion. Anyways, kids awake and flying imaginary airplanes around me so I better close out.
For all of our family and friends back home, I'm sorry you haven't recieved personal text messages or emails yet. Still working on settling in. Thank you for being so patient. We do miss you all so very much. So here's to Friday; Happy Friday everyone!!
Monday, June 8, 2015
Germany Day 1
It's been so surreal. I can't begin to describe the excitement and enthusiasm I have for breathing in European air. I've dreamed of always traveling the world. I never thought it would be this way. I've picked up my life and just decided to change everything about and it hasn't stopped changing since 2013. I am so grateful for this life God has given and although it's nearly midnight here, I feel only the afternoon drowsiness of 3pm PST. I've meet so many amazing people just trying to get here. A few mere mortals following their dreamers, and others dreaming of living an immortal life here in Ramstein. It's amazing what hope can do. It's transformative. It's such a positive rush of energy that even the most jaded soul feels awaken by the scenic view filled with fifty shades of green, mixed with robust character and thriving vigor. Despite having travelled with more luggage than my husband and I combined can carry, plus our 1.5 year old son (who slept soundly through all the layovers and long flights) we made it safely and soundly to our destination.
But this is just the beginning. Oh the plans we have, the sights we'll see, the people we'll meet and more importantly the people we will become. May we be more kind, more receptive, more loving, more understanding, and wiser through our shared experiences from now until furthermore.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Blurp 2013.
It's December 27, 2013. This year went by like a blur. But if I'm completely honest, it's what I wanted. A year and a day ago today, I got engaged to the love of my life. Reading up on my past blogs, I've wandered and waited my whole life for this moment: to find "The one". And he's right here beside me. We "celebrated" our one year engagement anniversary yesterday (more like lounged on the couch cause we are so damn tired. lol!) But what I realized looking back on this year, (because that's what we do best when we reach the end of something) I acknowledged that I wanted this year to fly by so that I may start all over again.
I've been bitter most of this year. Yes, bitter. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't at anyone(s) directly, but truth be told. I was a little bitter betty. You see, a year and a day ago today was the happiest day of my life. I met my amazingly, loving, and patient husband and best friend 27 days before, and got engaged the day after Christmas...yet, I was unable to shout it from the rooftops because socially speaking among my of circle of friends, it was too soon to be in another relationship. Granted, I would agree with them. But! When the heart calls, you answer. I am..err...was a relationship girl. I needed to be in deep rooted relationships to bring out the best in me because I was unable to see the best in myself. Yes, I said it. I was codependent on relationships to make me feel complete. Guilty. Anyways, super short story shorter (literally) I kept my engagement a secret till PJ was able to properly ask my rents for my hand in marriage, which didn't really happen till January 11, 2013. Essentially, as social media would have it, I posted my big news on Instagram and received opposite reactions from some of my closest friends. It broke my heart, but I told myself I understood. But I didn't really. In the end I felt that my friends rejected my happiness and therefore ruined my "big night" and ultimately had a lonely wedding. Don't get me wrong, I had an AWESOME and small wedding ceremony. Hit up the court house on March 15th, 2013 and that evening had a fun little shindig at the W Hotel in Downtown San Diego. But during my cocktail reception, I noticed majority of the people in attendance were not my friends although I was the one who resided in San Diego. Most of our guests were PJ's family and friends from his past and present. My heart broke just a little bit more. I understood then that I just wanted acceptance from my friends. And because I didn't receive it, I went through the rest of this year jaded.
I moved all the way out with my husband to the middle of no where thinking I could start fresh and anew, but I brought my baggage. Like an old maid I ruined my first married year. Gladly, my amazing husband has given me all the time to come to terms with that and find closure on my own with him patiently waiting on the side.
So, here I am, at the close of this year finally willing to admit that I Amanda Tadiarca Liwanag have spent 2013 a bitter, pregnant Betty.
But something has changed. My son has changed my heart.He's beautiful, and strong, and healthy and I want so much more for him than what I've been sharing these past few months. I want him to know it ok to feel let down, just don't stay down. It's ok to be hurt and to have friends who say no to you, but don't keep friends that reject you for who you are. It's ok to let go some of them. In fact, it might even be healthy. It's not ok to stay bitt
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
"Flashback Vengeance"
This weekend I wandered into the streets of Normal Height’s ritual event called the Adam’s Ave Unplugged. The event featured 170 live musical performances staged inside or around, more than 30 restaurants and bars that lined the neighborhood. By the time I found parking, I was too hungry to be walking 2 miles worth my curiosity.
Altogether, it was a really fun experience [once I fed myself]. Vic and I walked in and out of some interesting stores. We eventually found ourselves drawn by the sound of this girl with a soothing, but deep voice coming out of Lestat’s so we went in, sat down through majority of her set and to my surprise, I REALLY enjoyed it! Jessica Bell is the name [sorry I can’t provide any videos or songs for you. She’s really underground material]. Her lyrics were like Jason Maraz met Ingrid Michaelson- very melodic and relatable all in one. One of her songs was talking about “Memories.” The ones that you remember but they don’t have any significant meaning other than the fact that they were experiences you had and will continue to do so throughout time.
I woke up to that thought this morning after doing my devotions and I read Proverbs 24: 17-18 “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: Lest the Lord see it, and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath.”
And the first person I thought of after reading this was [the name(s) that shall not be named]. And I thought about how I really felt about these….people. And let’s be honest. I’m not their biggest fan. [Shrug]. It happens. [Please hold the stones till after the blog]. But the feelings or thoughts I have towards them cannot and will never justify me as a person. I’m not going to say, “I’m better than that..” cause honestly, I’m not…..hell, YOU’RE NOT! (yeah, I threw that one in there to make myself feel less of a horrible person. Thanks). But if I read the verse right, its basically saying that wishing vengeance upon a person just displaces God’s wrath upon them and probably onto you. “Let not thine heart be glad when he [she] stumbleth: Lest the Lord see it, and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath.”
Here we are in situational drama where someone has hurt us, and they hurt us bad. Maybe to them, they don’t give a rat’s ass, but to you, it was the world. Maybe it still is. Over time they become this “memory” that Jessica speaks of. But the thing is, wishing or glorying in other people’s discomfort does not and will not make your life any better than theirs. Shoot if anything, the more we wish someone negativity, the higher and higher the chances are that it’s just ricocheting of their shiny, bright, lives and back onto us; we just shoot ourselves in the foot. God says, bless them that curse you, love them that hate you-forgive 70x70 [somehow this equals eternity. I don’t get that math equation]. But live truthfully; allow yourself to recognize the pain and hurt you have, but don’t project onto others. Live your live well, live it right, and live it for others. Before you know it, you won’t even notice the other person that took up the enormous amount of mental space you had reserved for them.
Yes, a happy life is a person’s greatest revenge, but a TRULY, HAPPY life needs no revenge at all.
Think about that….
-Tin
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
COACHELLA!!!
Waddup guys, it’s been way too long since I’ve last spilt my heart out. It’s been a crazy few weeks. I feel like things are starting to blend together, and that’s never a good thing in my book. It’s times like these I can truly appreciate the solitude I’m imprisoned in for the next few hours. It can be calming…currently, it’s not. Lol! One can only hope for so much. I’m just looking forward to this weekend. It’s my mini vacation from reality. LITERALLY. I have the privilege to attend America’s BIGGEST musical festivial!! COACHELLA!!!!
For those who don’t know what Coachella is, it is a “multi-day annual music and arts festival, organized by Goldenvoice (a subsidiary of AEG Live) and held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, in the Inland Empire's Coachella Valley. The event features many genres of music including rock, indie, Hip Hop and electronic music as well as large sculptural art. The event has several stages/tents set-up throughout the grounds, each playing live music continuously.” Its two weeks long, but I’m only going for the first weekend. I do have obligations for those who suspect I just play and Facebook all day [WAIT. actually…that IS all I do all day. *shrug*] Nonetheless, it pays the bills, I shall not complain (unless a professor keeps me here for over an hour and a half after I clock out, then you will not hear the end of it. That’s a promise. [A thousand apologize to Dan who has to listen to my petty bullshit all day]. Getting back on track, COACHELLA!!! I feel honored that I get to go. I’ve been planning on going for the last three years, but… let’s be honest, I’m a little bitch. It is what it is.I didn’t have the balls to roll up to this festival by myself, UNTIL NOW! Yeee. That’s right. I’M ROLLIN SOLO [YOLO!] Stag; uno mas, by my lonesome and IDGAF how it looks. Life waits for no man (or woman). “Am I scared?!” Hell effing yes! I ain’t no Sasha Fierce, but I’ll make sure I drink enough 5 hour energy to hype myself up and throw myself into a crowd of new-aged hippies and do questionable things (one of which is not showering for a day or so) in order to gain some fair-weather friends for a weekend. Hey, who knows! Maybe they’ll stand beside me at my wedding some 50 years down the road. Tickets originally sell at $335. 0_o But it’s worth every penny. Think of Woodstock, or Burning man…BUT BIGGER! I’m roughin it out hipster style. Got my backpacking gear ready, tent, mobile shower, and groovy accessories!
I even made fairy wings and I’m dying my hair red for a whole weekend! [Stand by for pictures.]
But the point in all this isn’t to make a statement, it’s for my self-liberation. We all somehow end up in this rut after a high point in life and it can get pretty obfuscating. Once in a while, it’s permissible to allow ourselves to break out of our shells and let loose. So here’s to self-expression. May we all learn to love ourselves, daily and never forget how awesome life is, especially if we have something and someone to live for.
And there you have it...
Till next month home skillets. DUECES!
-Tin
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Intentional Living
It’s early; 9:00am. To be exact. I do my morning ritual: role over to the right to check my phone to see if I got any messages [there’s usually none, it’s a little disheartening], check my social platforms because I’m honest and I know you all do it too, then roll onto my back and take a deep breathe and tell myself “today’s going to be a good day.” It might sound depressing but truthfully, it’s refreshing. I’m bipolar so, any inkling of offset in my heart and mind can really throw my day off. I’m a very intentional being; I purpose to do things and I’ve been doing this for the last year (yes, another recent development in my latter part of my escaping youth).
I wake up intentionally checking on others because I care. I genuinely care and pray for the people I count “close friends and family.” More often than naught, we forget why we do what we do, why it is we feel the way we feel, why we keep or stray away from the things and people near or far to our hearts.
This morning, I was saddened by the fact that an old “close friend” defriended me. [Yes, judge if you may that I let Facebook nip at my heart.] I spent two years valuing this persons friendship, two years investing in him, his interests, his business and work pleasures, and the like. (come to think of it, I spent many years repetitively doing this for one too many people.) And in one instance, he throws me away, like a candy wrapper. I watched this gentlemen struggle, strive, dream, fail, and I stood by him all the way (till of course he took me for granted). I deemed him, “worthy” of my friendship and counted him at one point, my best friend. (Yes, it seems like I have a lot of those, but only one or two have actually reciprocated, and that’s fine. “Can’t win ‘em all.”) We went our separate ways because his dreams didn’t entail any deliberation of what I would have wanted. Hence, our current status of: “Unfriends.”
Long story short, we agreed to stay friends on Facebook because we figured, “we’re cool peeps, maybe we could be friends again when we’re not such douchebags to each other.” I thought that the time to reconcile was nearing, but NEGATIVE! I wake up with denied access to his page, twitter, and blogger. THAT, my friend takes some serious effort to go on EVERY SINGLE social media platform that you utilize and “unfriend” me from all of them. [I just realize, I sound stalkerish, but he’s a musician so I know he appreciated it, especially with all the clientele I sent his way.] But get this, I can see that he greets MY MOTHER, my friends, and even posts things in reference to me here and there. So why the snip snip,dude? raised and furrowed brow.
So I share this with you in hopes that you guys ask yourself today, “Am I that friend that relapsed into acquaintancy? “ If your answer is “yes,” then proceed to ask yourself, “Do I care?” And if the answer is, no, well…then shrug for me and continue on your merry life. At least I gave you your single serving for the day. But if the original answer is, “No, I know I’m not an acquaintance status with my homies” then good job and make sure you seal that deal by sending them smiley faced texts or something. But I urge all of you, LIVE ON PURPOSE. Live knowing that once you’ve invested your life in someone, you can’t recapture those hours to use again on someone else so be real. Real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you. But when you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.
BOOM. Done. Good day.
-Mandypants
[I wish I could write this fast in regards to my 10-page paper that’s due in about 2 hours…lol!]
I wake up intentionally checking on others because I care. I genuinely care and pray for the people I count “close friends and family.” More often than naught, we forget why we do what we do, why it is we feel the way we feel, why we keep or stray away from the things and people near or far to our hearts.
This morning, I was saddened by the fact that an old “close friend” defriended me. [Yes, judge if you may that I let Facebook nip at my heart.] I spent two years valuing this persons friendship, two years investing in him, his interests, his business and work pleasures, and the like. (come to think of it, I spent many years repetitively doing this for one too many people.) And in one instance, he throws me away, like a candy wrapper. I watched this gentlemen struggle, strive, dream, fail, and I stood by him all the way (till of course he took me for granted). I deemed him, “worthy” of my friendship and counted him at one point, my best friend. (Yes, it seems like I have a lot of those, but only one or two have actually reciprocated, and that’s fine. “Can’t win ‘em all.”) We went our separate ways because his dreams didn’t entail any deliberation of what I would have wanted. Hence, our current status of: “Unfriends.”
Long story short, we agreed to stay friends on Facebook because we figured, “we’re cool peeps, maybe we could be friends again when we’re not such douchebags to each other.” I thought that the time to reconcile was nearing, but NEGATIVE! I wake up with denied access to his page, twitter, and blogger. THAT, my friend takes some serious effort to go on EVERY SINGLE social media platform that you utilize and “unfriend” me from all of them. [I just realize, I sound stalkerish, but he’s a musician so I know he appreciated it, especially with all the clientele I sent his way.] But get this, I can see that he greets MY MOTHER, my friends, and even posts things in reference to me here and there. So why the snip snip,dude? raised and furrowed brow.
So I share this with you in hopes that you guys ask yourself today, “Am I that friend that relapsed into acquaintancy? “ If your answer is “yes,” then proceed to ask yourself, “Do I care?” And if the answer is, no, well…then shrug for me and continue on your merry life. At least I gave you your single serving for the day. But if the original answer is, “No, I know I’m not an acquaintance status with my homies” then good job and make sure you seal that deal by sending them smiley faced texts or something. But I urge all of you, LIVE ON PURPOSE. Live knowing that once you’ve invested your life in someone, you can’t recapture those hours to use again on someone else so be real. Real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you. But when you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.
BOOM. Done. Good day.
-Mandypants
[I wish I could write this fast in regards to my 10-page paper that’s due in about 2 hours…lol!]
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Beauty of Grace.
“The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” –Victor Hugo
Many of us will look back on our lives and agree with the idea that the friendships that hurt us the most molded us into the people we are today. I have loved and lost, and I’m not just talking about relationships- I’m talking about friendships. I believe that losing a friend is the greatest loss of all losses because it’s as if you (or the other person) decided at one point in each other's lives that you or they were no longer valuable enough to keep. Therefore, you or they decided it was best to let go altogether.
But friendships are not about what you get, it’s about what you give; the bond of commitment you extend to the other person. You see, in the end, you don’t hold your commitments; your commitments hold you. The commitments we make are like magnets: they pull us toward each other. In friendship, commitments means being there for someone even when it’s NOT convenient. Granted, sometimes the other person can be hard to love, but love them intentionally (regardless of the way they might have treated you in the past or present). Your reaction is their lifeline back to grace and goodness.
As many of you know, a couple of my friends have created a bucket list that is numbered to however old we will be turning. So for me, I will be turning the big “2-5” this June and I have 25 small (but great!) plans to still accomplish till then. One of the significant goals on my list was to “repair a past relationship (#24).” When I initially scripted these words, I did not have anyone in mind because I felt that in my past, I have severed more relationships/ friendships than I was able to create. So here I was with the daunting question of, “where do I start? Who do I start with?” It was actually very overwhelming, seeing as I’m a very passive soul and I cry at the thought of confrontation (I really do). But God knew.
So a month after I made my list, a situation arose where I had to front an “ex-friend/acquaintance” about a life style that was hazardous to be around. I consulted friends and family about what I should do and more often than not, their reaction was, “drop her like its hot.” (No, seriously, that’s what they said). But ONE person challenged me to love her HARD- pray for patience but continue to stand by her. So I did. Long story short, a few weeks later she came to me not quite apologizing but confessed that “losing you [me] once was hard enough, I don’t want to lose you [yours truly] again.” Mind you, this was while I was completing #18: “Run a marathon” so if I wasn’t out of breathe by then, I was now. But see what I’m saying? It might take a couple of years for forgiveness and redemption to sink in, but IT. WILL. COME. I guarantee that. Shoot, I CHALLENGE you to test me. YEAH. “Come at me, brah!” [lol! Thanks Dan.] That’s right. I dare you- wait. I DOUBLE, dog, dare you. Shoot! I “WWJD” you!
So take this is my declaration of commitment. You extend your hand, I'll super glue it to mine. If that's something you don't want, I advise you not to give me high fives.
Life is too short to go on bitterly and fearfully. I have come a looooooooooonnng ass way and I am looking forward to the road ahead. In repairing the old, I’ve also been blessed to acquire new friends too! These people make up a third of who I am today. I love them with all my ventricles and other cardiac muscles and more.
So here’s to you, my old and new friends- I owe you my life, my happiness and my redeeming future. Happy President’s Day!!
Many of us will look back on our lives and agree with the idea that the friendships that hurt us the most molded us into the people we are today. I have loved and lost, and I’m not just talking about relationships- I’m talking about friendships. I believe that losing a friend is the greatest loss of all losses because it’s as if you (or the other person) decided at one point in each other's lives that you or they were no longer valuable enough to keep. Therefore, you or they decided it was best to let go altogether.
But friendships are not about what you get, it’s about what you give; the bond of commitment you extend to the other person. You see, in the end, you don’t hold your commitments; your commitments hold you. The commitments we make are like magnets: they pull us toward each other. In friendship, commitments means being there for someone even when it’s NOT convenient. Granted, sometimes the other person can be hard to love, but love them intentionally (regardless of the way they might have treated you in the past or present). Your reaction is their lifeline back to grace and goodness.
As many of you know, a couple of my friends have created a bucket list that is numbered to however old we will be turning. So for me, I will be turning the big “2-5” this June and I have 25 small (but great!) plans to still accomplish till then. One of the significant goals on my list was to “repair a past relationship (#24).” When I initially scripted these words, I did not have anyone in mind because I felt that in my past, I have severed more relationships/ friendships than I was able to create. So here I was with the daunting question of, “where do I start? Who do I start with?” It was actually very overwhelming, seeing as I’m a very passive soul and I cry at the thought of confrontation (I really do). But God knew.
So a month after I made my list, a situation arose where I had to front an “ex-friend/acquaintance” about a life style that was hazardous to be around. I consulted friends and family about what I should do and more often than not, their reaction was, “drop her like its hot.” (No, seriously, that’s what they said). But ONE person challenged me to love her HARD- pray for patience but continue to stand by her. So I did. Long story short, a few weeks later she came to me not quite apologizing but confessed that “losing you [me] once was hard enough, I don’t want to lose you [yours truly] again.” Mind you, this was while I was completing #18: “Run a marathon” so if I wasn’t out of breathe by then, I was now. But see what I’m saying? It might take a couple of years for forgiveness and redemption to sink in, but IT. WILL. COME. I guarantee that. Shoot, I CHALLENGE you to test me. YEAH. “Come at me, brah!” [lol! Thanks Dan.] That’s right. I dare you- wait. I DOUBLE, dog, dare you. Shoot! I “WWJD” you!
So take this is my declaration of commitment. You extend your hand, I'll super glue it to mine. If that's something you don't want, I advise you not to give me high fives.
Life is too short to go on bitterly and fearfully. I have come a looooooooooonnng ass way and I am looking forward to the road ahead. In repairing the old, I’ve also been blessed to acquire new friends too! These people make up a third of who I am today. I love them with all my ventricles and other cardiac muscles and more.
So here’s to you, my old and new friends- I owe you my life, my happiness and my redeeming future. Happy President’s Day!!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"25 Things to do before 25"
*currently listening to: "This Scientist"-Coldplay
It's been a hot minutes since I've ever tried blogging. Remember when xanga was the shiz? It's been six years since I've blogged. A lot has happened since then. For instance, I realized that the "D" in Disney is not a music note, it's actually the letter, "D." Sad. I know. Don't judge. It happens to the best of us. Secondly, I realized that I'm not getting any younger. Times have changed. I've gained and lost, laughed and cried, and even broken down a few times here and there. It's natural; I'm a woman. But everytime I've fallen I have been privileged to have amazing people help me back up. That's when I realized that friendship is necessary. It's not just a want; it's a necessity. A French-Cuban author by the name of Anais Nin once wrote that, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ON. POINT. It's true too, each person you allow into your life (whether its negative or positive) takes part of your personality and who you are today. So take time to appreciate those close or even far in your life. Life's too short to go unnoticed.
On that note! Let me get into what I really wanted to share today. Thanks to my amazing, fun, and enthusiatic friends, we have decided to each compile a bucketlist of things to do before our next birthday. How it works is whatever our number age we are will be the number of things we must accomplish by our next birthdates. For many girls, 25 is a HUGE number. It's half a century of living! It means we can rent cars without that annoying fee, and it means we can account for a legit adult when asked to escourt anyone under the age of 18 into an adult venue. Basically, it's the awesome year.'NUFF SAID. I've thought long and hard about what is going on my list and this is what I've come up with:
1. Dance Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” and post on Youtube.
2. Learn how to ballroom dance.
3. Pierce my ears once more.
4. Sew a dress.
5. Create a D.I.Y. (Do it yourself) project.
6. Make a new tradition.
7. Crash a College Football game.
8. Sing at a Kareoke Bar.
9. Go to a strip/gay bar.
10. Travel OUTSIDE the U.S.
11. Start a blog and keep with it.
12. Get my own apartment. June 1, 2011
13. Dedicate a song or be dedicated on the radio.
14. Go ziplining.
15. Bunji Jump.
16. Jump off a waterfall. Sep. 20, 2011
17. Replace my tattoo with something more constructive.
18. Run a marathon.
19. Face a fear. Oct. 29, 2011
20. Learn a whole song on the piano.
21. Make a new friend and keep them.
22. See a Broadway Show.
23. Witness a birth.
24. Repair a past relationship.
25. Save a life.
So, for the next few blogs you guys will witness these 25 things come to life. If you have any ideas for my next bucklist, I would love to hear them or just hear from you in general. If you notice, this blog is my #11. :)
Till next time...
It's been a hot minutes since I've ever tried blogging. Remember when xanga was the shiz? It's been six years since I've blogged. A lot has happened since then. For instance, I realized that the "D" in Disney is not a music note, it's actually the letter, "D." Sad. I know. Don't judge. It happens to the best of us. Secondly, I realized that I'm not getting any younger. Times have changed. I've gained and lost, laughed and cried, and even broken down a few times here and there. It's natural; I'm a woman. But everytime I've fallen I have been privileged to have amazing people help me back up. That's when I realized that friendship is necessary. It's not just a want; it's a necessity. A French-Cuban author by the name of Anais Nin once wrote that, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ON. POINT. It's true too, each person you allow into your life (whether its negative or positive) takes part of your personality and who you are today. So take time to appreciate those close or even far in your life. Life's too short to go unnoticed.
On that note! Let me get into what I really wanted to share today. Thanks to my amazing, fun, and enthusiatic friends, we have decided to each compile a bucketlist of things to do before our next birthday. How it works is whatever our number age we are will be the number of things we must accomplish by our next birthdates. For many girls, 25 is a HUGE number. It's half a century of living! It means we can rent cars without that annoying fee, and it means we can account for a legit adult when asked to escourt anyone under the age of 18 into an adult venue. Basically, it's the awesome year.'NUFF SAID. I've thought long and hard about what is going on my list and this is what I've come up with:
1. Dance Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” and post on Youtube.
2. Learn how to ballroom dance.
3. Pierce my ears once more.
4. Sew a dress.
5. Create a D.I.Y. (Do it yourself) project.
6. Make a new tradition.
7. Crash a College Football game.
8. Sing at a Kareoke Bar.
9. Go to a strip/gay bar.
10. Travel OUTSIDE the U.S.
11. Start a blog and keep with it.
12. Get my own apartment. June 1, 2011
13. Dedicate a song or be dedicated on the radio.
14. Go ziplining.
15. Bunji Jump.
16. Jump off a waterfall. Sep. 20, 2011
17. Replace my tattoo with something more constructive.
18. Run a marathon.
19. Face a fear. Oct. 29, 2011
20. Learn a whole song on the piano.
21. Make a new friend and keep them.
22. See a Broadway Show.
23. Witness a birth.
24. Repair a past relationship.
25. Save a life.
So, for the next few blogs you guys will witness these 25 things come to life. If you have any ideas for my next bucklist, I would love to hear them or just hear from you in general. If you notice, this blog is my #11. :)
Till next time...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Listen to what I'm not saying..
The saddest feeling is being with you and you not filling that empty space I need filled. You say you understand, but you haven't even began to listen to what I have to say. My heart is yearning for another persons soul. That's why I'm constantly surrounded by other people. I want to feel that I am needed by others, especially by you. But you don't get that ME being NEEDED by YOU is that missing piece. And it's like with every other guy i've tried to make them all fit, or hope that they would. One actually even came close. He fit, but he wasn't the "right key."
I'm not looking for lookalikes, I'm needing you to fill that void. I try to help you to make myself feel like YOU NEED me in your life. I cry not only cause I feel guilty that I take up your time, but because I'm sad. I'm sad because you don't get that I NEED YOU to need me. I need to be needed. Not wanted. Nobody can actually define what they want in life. They want the world and all it's riches, but they take for granted what their heart needs.
I need a soul to need me the way I need them. I want you to be that soul, but I will not assume you to be. I've done that so many times in the past and it's only caused a buttload of heartache. I will not allow myself to go through that again. I want you to be my ending so i can have my new beginning.
Do you understand that? You continually say, "I don't need to be in a relationship, but I want to be in one with you..." You think that's romantic? That, that will make me feel better? Well, you're completely wrong. You kill me everytime you tell me that. I need someone to need me. Then, I will know I am that missing piece for them and he for me.
I'm not looking for lookalikes, I'm needing you to fill that void. I try to help you to make myself feel like YOU NEED me in your life. I cry not only cause I feel guilty that I take up your time, but because I'm sad. I'm sad because you don't get that I NEED YOU to need me. I need to be needed. Not wanted. Nobody can actually define what they want in life. They want the world and all it's riches, but they take for granted what their heart needs.
I need a soul to need me the way I need them. I want you to be that soul, but I will not assume you to be. I've done that so many times in the past and it's only caused a buttload of heartache. I will not allow myself to go through that again. I want you to be my ending so i can have my new beginning.
Do you understand that? You continually say, "I don't need to be in a relationship, but I want to be in one with you..." You think that's romantic? That, that will make me feel better? Well, you're completely wrong. You kill me everytime you tell me that. I need someone to need me. Then, I will know I am that missing piece for them and he for me.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"Dream banking-Vampires"
Last night, I dreamt of vampires and being one...then, having my head cut off cause I was. So, again, being as curious as I am, I looked up what MIGHT be the meaning of having vampires in your dream and dying meant. This is what I came across.
Vampire
To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to it. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.
To dream that you are a vampire, signifies that you are sucking in the life energy of others for your own selfish benefit.
**See The Meaning In Action: "Fighting Vampires & Alluring Vampires"
The vampires in your dream may suggest that you are feeling drained of your life energy and autonomy. In dreaming that you are fighting these vampires, is a literal depiction of your daily struggles with keeping things in order. You may be suffering from exhaustion or feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your domestic or personal life which explains the tiredness you feel when you wake up.�
Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
((http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreambank.pl?method=exact&header=dreamid&search=vampiredream1)
Now again, let me reiterate that I do not believe that dreams have literal meanings but that the mind has it's own way of processing our everyday's feelings, events, and so forth. Then in our slumber, our active minds recreate how we feel in an anology or story in our minds.
I dreamnt of vampires, which of course, are fictional characters. But I dreamnt that they were real and I became one. Lately, I've been struggling with what I'm suppose to be doing with my life, and even to the point of asking God to reveal to me already what he would have me to do to serve him with my time here on earth.
I've lived my life with the mindset that I will NOT be those women who's life calling is to simply be a "domestic engineer". I've constructed my life with the struggle to be indepedent, strong, and without many things women "need"-men.
But I finally came to the acceptance that I just might simply be called to be one's "help-meet". I've been struggling with this issue. Being one's helper doesn't neccessarily mean you are below them or even lower than them. It simply means you are more humble than most to accept that another persons needs your assistance. I've fought my whole life to be a career women only to finally open my heart to the fact that what I'm best at is helping others, and that no career I can possibly obtain will ever give me true satisfatction like I get when I'm teaching my teen girls class or when I'm helping Phil out at the care home. I'm a packaged deal. I come with MANY talents, but one purpose and that is to serve. "Serve what?" you might ask. Well, basically whoever God has in mind for me, He will be called to do something or somewhere where He will NEED me. That is where my service and life purpose may start.
So basically, my dream helped me come to terms with the fact that I am moving on to big things in life, and I shouldn't be scared. And it's not I'm scared that I won't make it in life alone, but more like, scared that everything I thought I wanted to be(successful, financially stable, and independent)might not be what God really wants me to be, but simple a women of humility. Enough to be a lover of life and a helper to all.
Vampire
To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to it. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.
To dream that you are a vampire, signifies that you are sucking in the life energy of others for your own selfish benefit.
**See The Meaning In Action: "Fighting Vampires & Alluring Vampires"
The vampires in your dream may suggest that you are feeling drained of your life energy and autonomy. In dreaming that you are fighting these vampires, is a literal depiction of your daily struggles with keeping things in order. You may be suffering from exhaustion or feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your domestic or personal life which explains the tiredness you feel when you wake up.�
Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
((http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreambank.pl?method=exact&header=dreamid&search=vampiredream1)
Now again, let me reiterate that I do not believe that dreams have literal meanings but that the mind has it's own way of processing our everyday's feelings, events, and so forth. Then in our slumber, our active minds recreate how we feel in an anology or story in our minds.
I dreamnt of vampires, which of course, are fictional characters. But I dreamnt that they were real and I became one. Lately, I've been struggling with what I'm suppose to be doing with my life, and even to the point of asking God to reveal to me already what he would have me to do to serve him with my time here on earth.
I've lived my life with the mindset that I will NOT be those women who's life calling is to simply be a "domestic engineer". I've constructed my life with the struggle to be indepedent, strong, and without many things women "need"-men.
But I finally came to the acceptance that I just might simply be called to be one's "help-meet". I've been struggling with this issue. Being one's helper doesn't neccessarily mean you are below them or even lower than them. It simply means you are more humble than most to accept that another persons needs your assistance. I've fought my whole life to be a career women only to finally open my heart to the fact that what I'm best at is helping others, and that no career I can possibly obtain will ever give me true satisfatction like I get when I'm teaching my teen girls class or when I'm helping Phil out at the care home. I'm a packaged deal. I come with MANY talents, but one purpose and that is to serve. "Serve what?" you might ask. Well, basically whoever God has in mind for me, He will be called to do something or somewhere where He will NEED me. That is where my service and life purpose may start.
So basically, my dream helped me come to terms with the fact that I am moving on to big things in life, and I shouldn't be scared. And it's not I'm scared that I won't make it in life alone, but more like, scared that everything I thought I wanted to be(successful, financially stable, and independent)might not be what God really wants me to be, but simple a women of humility. Enough to be a lover of life and a helper to all.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Living with the past in my present.
I want to believe that I deserve better. Truth is, I don't (feel that way). I want to believe that all the wrong i've committed in the past will remain there and "karma" will have it's way and be done with me, but no. I guess God has a different plan for me. I've come a long way from the girl I use to be, but I guess I have a long ways to still travel.
I've been in one relationship where I feel like I was worth it, that he needed me, and I him. It lasted for a good few years, and then high school ended and I realized, there's so much more to life as I knew it. But did I make the right decision letting it go? Not the person, but the commitment part. Since then, I haven't found anyone who can stand me for more than 9 months....that is, till now. And I mistake his graciousness and patience as undeserving. But who am I to say I do or don't deserve the best that God has to offer. My past sins have taken up root in my heart, that when great things come my way, I automatically think it's a hoax, or it'll soon end, cause God forbid, it always happens.
This relationship has been the most realistic relationship I've ever been in, and I'm having a hard time distinguishing if I deserve to continue to keep him trying for me, because I need him to, I want him to. I need to know that this time around, it's not just words rolling off beautiful lips and into my naive ears that, "I will be here for you, I will see you through whatever you are going through..." I've heard it time and time again. And time and time again, I've been without. I want don't want to feel guilty loving someone. And I certainly don't want to drive another person away because I feel that I don't deserve them.
How can I change my mindset? should I ask him to convince me? But this isn't a case, and I am not God nor a judge. but I need to know, if my heart is risking something worth the breaking. I want to love, and be loved for who I truly am. I've found people who can begin to love me, but I want to end with someone who would want me even more months, years down the line. I think I've found someone worthy. Only time will tell. It's hard to live in the moment when you look at someone and see something so beautiful and at the same time something so mysterious that you're scared to know what may come next.
I've been in one relationship where I feel like I was worth it, that he needed me, and I him. It lasted for a good few years, and then high school ended and I realized, there's so much more to life as I knew it. But did I make the right decision letting it go? Not the person, but the commitment part. Since then, I haven't found anyone who can stand me for more than 9 months....that is, till now. And I mistake his graciousness and patience as undeserving. But who am I to say I do or don't deserve the best that God has to offer. My past sins have taken up root in my heart, that when great things come my way, I automatically think it's a hoax, or it'll soon end, cause God forbid, it always happens.
This relationship has been the most realistic relationship I've ever been in, and I'm having a hard time distinguishing if I deserve to continue to keep him trying for me, because I need him to, I want him to. I need to know that this time around, it's not just words rolling off beautiful lips and into my naive ears that, "I will be here for you, I will see you through whatever you are going through..." I've heard it time and time again. And time and time again, I've been without. I want don't want to feel guilty loving someone. And I certainly don't want to drive another person away because I feel that I don't deserve them.
How can I change my mindset? should I ask him to convince me? But this isn't a case, and I am not God nor a judge. but I need to know, if my heart is risking something worth the breaking. I want to love, and be loved for who I truly am. I've found people who can begin to love me, but I want to end with someone who would want me even more months, years down the line. I think I've found someone worthy. Only time will tell. It's hard to live in the moment when you look at someone and see something so beautiful and at the same time something so mysterious that you're scared to know what may come next.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Dream Banking
I've been having odd dreams lately. I want to start documenting them to see if there is a pattern. So last nights dream....
I dreamed that I was riding a bicycle in a repetitive circle. Crowds of people doing the same, but I remember specifically HOW i felt in this dream. I felt scared, worried, apprehensive. I looked around to see if there was anyone following me, and there was no one.
I know we (Christians) don't believe in dream interpretation but I believe WHAT we dream are forms of our minds tangible way of reiterating back to us how we truly feel. We create characters and scenarios in our slumber as a form of self honesty. "In sleep, we are revoked of denial." I looked up what "bicycle" could possible depict and this is a plausible "interpretation" (if you will) of what I might be dreaming or more like truly feeling, and I have to say, I agree.
Bicycle
"To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own.
To see a bicycle in your dream, indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.
To dream that you are riding tandem in a bicycle, suggests that you are more accepting with aspects of yourself or of your partner that you have previously rejected (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/b2.htm)."
When I am honest with myself, that is truly how I feel. I'm about to be 23. I'm a very independent woman by nature, but doesn't 'mean I'm good at being one. I have the DESIRE to be independent and the need to be, but I have difficulty accepting that God hasn't revealed to me the proper time to be self sufficient. I was suppose to move out in March, and at the last minute, all my plans fell through. It was hard to bow out of that scene, but I had to move on. I still had to stay focused in school, work, and be reliable at home. All these aspects of my life, I desire to fulfill my responsibilities to the fullest-a desire to attain a balance in my life.
So when it really comes down to it, I believe dreams still have meaning. They might not be it's literal depiction of whatever happened in our dreams but they represent things in our daily lives or thank that matter enough to take the form of "bicycles". This is just my opinion. I'm not trying to contradict my faith, but I'm a psychology major. My opinions become louder.
Let me know what you guys think, or have to say on the matter. I'd love to hear from you.
I dreamed that I was riding a bicycle in a repetitive circle. Crowds of people doing the same, but I remember specifically HOW i felt in this dream. I felt scared, worried, apprehensive. I looked around to see if there was anyone following me, and there was no one.
I know we (Christians) don't believe in dream interpretation but I believe WHAT we dream are forms of our minds tangible way of reiterating back to us how we truly feel. We create characters and scenarios in our slumber as a form of self honesty. "In sleep, we are revoked of denial." I looked up what "bicycle" could possible depict and this is a plausible "interpretation" (if you will) of what I might be dreaming or more like truly feeling, and I have to say, I agree.
Bicycle
"To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own.
To see a bicycle in your dream, indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.
To dream that you are riding tandem in a bicycle, suggests that you are more accepting with aspects of yourself or of your partner that you have previously rejected (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/b2.htm)."
When I am honest with myself, that is truly how I feel. I'm about to be 23. I'm a very independent woman by nature, but doesn't 'mean I'm good at being one. I have the DESIRE to be independent and the need to be, but I have difficulty accepting that God hasn't revealed to me the proper time to be self sufficient. I was suppose to move out in March, and at the last minute, all my plans fell through. It was hard to bow out of that scene, but I had to move on. I still had to stay focused in school, work, and be reliable at home. All these aspects of my life, I desire to fulfill my responsibilities to the fullest-a desire to attain a balance in my life.
So when it really comes down to it, I believe dreams still have meaning. They might not be it's literal depiction of whatever happened in our dreams but they represent things in our daily lives or thank that matter enough to take the form of "bicycles". This is just my opinion. I'm not trying to contradict my faith, but I'm a psychology major. My opinions become louder.
Let me know what you guys think, or have to say on the matter. I'd love to hear from you.
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