Living with the past in my present.

I want to believe that I deserve better. Truth is, I don't (feel that way). I want to believe that all the wrong i've committed in the past will remain there and "karma" will have it's way and be done with me, but no. I guess God has a different plan for me. I've come a long way from the girl I use to be, but I guess I have a long ways to still travel.
I've been in one relationship where I feel like I was worth it, that he needed me, and I him. It lasted for a good few years, and then high school ended and I realized, there's so much more to life as I knew it. But did I make the right decision letting it go? Not the person, but the commitment part. Since then, I haven't found anyone who can stand me for more than 9 months....that is, till now. And I mistake his graciousness and patience as undeserving. But who am I to say I do or don't deserve the best that God has to offer. My past sins have taken up root in my heart, that when great things come my way, I automatically think it's a hoax, or it'll soon end, cause God forbid, it always happens.

This relationship has been the most realistic relationship I've ever been in, and I'm having a hard time distinguishing if I deserve to continue to keep him trying for me, because I need him to, I want him to. I need to know that this time around, it's not just words rolling off beautiful lips and into my naive ears that, "I will be here for you, I will see you through whatever you are going through..." I've heard it time and time again. And time and time again, I've been without. I want don't want to feel guilty loving someone. And I certainly don't want to drive another person away because I feel that I don't deserve them.

How can I change my mindset? should I ask him to convince me? But this isn't a case, and I am not God nor a judge. but I need to know, if my heart is risking something worth the breaking. I want to love, and be loved for who I truly am. I've found people who can begin to love me, but I want to end with someone who would want me even more months, years down the line. I think I've found someone worthy. Only time will tell. It's hard to live in the moment when you look at someone and see something so beautiful and at the same time something so mysterious that you're scared to know what may come next.