Friday, December 27, 2013

Blurp 2013.

It's December 27, 2013. This year went by like a blur. But if I'm completely honest, it's what I wanted. A year and a day ago today, I got engaged to the love of my life. Reading up on my past blogs, I've wandered and waited my whole life for this moment: to find "The one". And he's right here beside me. We "celebrated" our one year engagement anniversary yesterday (more like lounged on the couch cause we are so damn tired. lol!) But what I realized looking back on this year, (because that's what we do best when we reach the end of something) I acknowledged that I wanted this year to fly by so that I may start all over again. I've been bitter most of this year. Yes, bitter. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't at anyone(s) directly, but truth be told. I was a little bitter betty. You see, a year and a day ago today was the happiest day of my life. I met my amazingly, loving, and patient husband and best friend 27 days before, and got engaged the day after Christmas...yet, I was unable to shout it from the rooftops because socially speaking among my of circle of friends, it was too soon to be in another relationship. Granted, I would agree with them. But! When the heart calls, you answer. I am..err...was a relationship girl. I needed to be in deep rooted relationships to bring out the best in me because I was unable to see the best in myself. Yes, I said it. I was codependent on relationships to make me feel complete. Guilty. Anyways, super short story shorter (literally) I kept my engagement a secret till PJ was able to properly ask my rents for my hand in marriage, which didn't really happen till January 11, 2013. Essentially, as social media would have it, I posted my big news on Instagram and received opposite reactions from some of my closest friends. It broke my heart, but I told myself I understood. But I didn't really. In the end I felt that my friends rejected my happiness and therefore ruined my "big night" and ultimately had a lonely wedding. Don't get me wrong, I had an AWESOME and small wedding ceremony. Hit up the court house on March 15th, 2013 and that evening had a fun little shindig at the W Hotel in Downtown San Diego. But during my cocktail reception, I noticed majority of the people in attendance were not my friends although I was the one who resided in San Diego. Most of our guests were PJ's family and friends from his past and present. My heart broke just a little bit more. I understood then that I just wanted acceptance from my friends. And because I didn't receive it, I went through the rest of this year jaded. I moved all the way out with my husband to the middle of no where thinking I could start fresh and anew, but I brought my baggage. Like an old maid I ruined my first married year. Gladly, my amazing husband has given me all the time to come to terms with that and find closure on my own with him patiently waiting on the side. So, here I am, at the close of this year finally willing to admit that I Amanda Tadiarca Liwanag have spent 2013 a bitter, pregnant Betty. But something has changed. My son has changed my heart.He's beautiful, and strong, and healthy and I want so much more for him than what I've been sharing these past few months. I want him to know it ok to feel let down, just don't stay down. It's ok to be hurt and to have friends who say no to you, but don't keep friends that reject you for who you are. It's ok to let go some of them. In fact, it might even be healthy. It's not ok to stay bitter because essentially, it's your heart thats rotting away. Not the other persons. And lastly, love with all your heart, trust slowly and forgive always. 2013, you can suck it. You sucked anyways and I'm tired of looking back and trying to figure out where I went wrong cause I didn't. No, I'm not in denial. I'm finally learning to see that this is simply where God has led me. I needed to go through that because we are continually growing as people and we must produce actions that show that. I haven't. And I'm not proud of it, but I'm finally taking a stand for myself and for my family. I can't let others dictate how I should feel or who I should be. So I want to go into 2014 with this: Forgive me if I've wronged you, but I'm not the same person I was yesterday. I make no apology after this but I wish you all the best in life and I hope nothing short of amazing for you all. I now make decisions based on the well-being of my beautiful and loving family and if it conflicts with your opinion, then...*shrug* oh well. That's life. It's opinionated and relentless and I want to live it intentionally without distractions. Come at me 2014. I'm ready.

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