It’s early; 9:00am. To be exact. I do my morning ritual: role over to the right to check my phone to see if I got any messages [there’s usually none, it’s a little disheartening], check my social platforms because I’m honest and I know you all do it too, then roll onto my back and take a deep breathe and tell myself “today’s going to be a good day.” It might sound depressing but truthfully, it’s refreshing. I’m bipolar so, any inkling of offset in my heart and mind can really throw my day off. I’m a very intentional being; I purpose to do things and I’ve been doing this for the last year (yes, another recent development in my latter part of my escaping youth).
I wake up intentionally checking on others because I care. I genuinely care and pray for the people I count “close friends and family.” More often than naught, we forget why we do what we do, why it is we feel the way we feel, why we keep or stray away from the things and people near or far to our hearts.
This morning, I was saddened by the fact that an old “close friend” defriended me. [Yes, judge if you may that I let Facebook nip at my heart.] I spent two years valuing this persons friendship, two years investing in him, his interests, his business and work pleasures, and the like. (come to think of it, I spent many years repetitively doing this for one too many people.) And in one instance, he throws me away, like a candy wrapper. I watched this gentlemen struggle, strive, dream, fail, and I stood by him all the way (till of course he took me for granted). I deemed him, “worthy” of my friendship and counted him at one point, my best friend. (Yes, it seems like I have a lot of those, but only one or two have actually reciprocated, and that’s fine. “Can’t win ‘em all.”) We went our separate ways because his dreams didn’t entail any deliberation of what I would have wanted. Hence, our current status of: “Unfriends.”
Long story short, we agreed to stay friends on Facebook because we figured, “we’re cool peeps, maybe we could be friends again when we’re not such douchebags to each other.” I thought that the time to reconcile was nearing, but NEGATIVE! I wake up with denied access to his page, twitter, and blogger. THAT, my friend takes some serious effort to go on EVERY SINGLE social media platform that you utilize and “unfriend” me from all of them. [I just realize, I sound stalkerish, but he’s a musician so I know he appreciated it, especially with all the clientele I sent his way.] But get this, I can see that he greets MY MOTHER, my friends, and even posts things in reference to me here and there. So why the snip snip,dude? raised and furrowed brow.
So I share this with you in hopes that you guys ask yourself today, “Am I that friend that relapsed into acquaintancy? “ If your answer is “yes,” then proceed to ask yourself, “Do I care?” And if the answer is, no, well…then shrug for me and continue on your merry life. At least I gave you your single serving for the day. But if the original answer is, “No, I know I’m not an acquaintance status with my homies” then good job and make sure you seal that deal by sending them smiley faced texts or something. But I urge all of you, LIVE ON PURPOSE. Live knowing that once you’ve invested your life in someone, you can’t recapture those hours to use again on someone else so be real. Real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you. But when you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.
BOOM. Done. Good day.
-Mandypants
[I wish I could write this fast in regards to my 10-page paper that’s due in about 2 hours…lol!]
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Beauty of Grace.
“The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” –Victor Hugo
Many of us will look back on our lives and agree with the idea that the friendships that hurt us the most molded us into the people we are today. I have loved and lost, and I’m not just talking about relationships- I’m talking about friendships. I believe that losing a friend is the greatest loss of all losses because it’s as if you (or the other person) decided at one point in each other's lives that you or they were no longer valuable enough to keep. Therefore, you or they decided it was best to let go altogether.
But friendships are not about what you get, it’s about what you give; the bond of commitment you extend to the other person. You see, in the end, you don’t hold your commitments; your commitments hold you. The commitments we make are like magnets: they pull us toward each other. In friendship, commitments means being there for someone even when it’s NOT convenient. Granted, sometimes the other person can be hard to love, but love them intentionally (regardless of the way they might have treated you in the past or present). Your reaction is their lifeline back to grace and goodness.
As many of you know, a couple of my friends have created a bucket list that is numbered to however old we will be turning. So for me, I will be turning the big “2-5” this June and I have 25 small (but great!) plans to still accomplish till then. One of the significant goals on my list was to “repair a past relationship (#24).” When I initially scripted these words, I did not have anyone in mind because I felt that in my past, I have severed more relationships/ friendships than I was able to create. So here I was with the daunting question of, “where do I start? Who do I start with?” It was actually very overwhelming, seeing as I’m a very passive soul and I cry at the thought of confrontation (I really do). But God knew.
So a month after I made my list, a situation arose where I had to front an “ex-friend/acquaintance” about a life style that was hazardous to be around. I consulted friends and family about what I should do and more often than not, their reaction was, “drop her like its hot.” (No, seriously, that’s what they said). But ONE person challenged me to love her HARD- pray for patience but continue to stand by her. So I did. Long story short, a few weeks later she came to me not quite apologizing but confessed that “losing you [me] once was hard enough, I don’t want to lose you [yours truly] again.” Mind you, this was while I was completing #18: “Run a marathon” so if I wasn’t out of breathe by then, I was now. But see what I’m saying? It might take a couple of years for forgiveness and redemption to sink in, but IT. WILL. COME. I guarantee that. Shoot, I CHALLENGE you to test me. YEAH. “Come at me, brah!” [lol! Thanks Dan.] That’s right. I dare you- wait. I DOUBLE, dog, dare you. Shoot! I “WWJD” you!
So take this is my declaration of commitment. You extend your hand, I'll super glue it to mine. If that's something you don't want, I advise you not to give me high fives.
Life is too short to go on bitterly and fearfully. I have come a looooooooooonnng ass way and I am looking forward to the road ahead. In repairing the old, I’ve also been blessed to acquire new friends too! These people make up a third of who I am today. I love them with all my ventricles and other cardiac muscles and more.
So here’s to you, my old and new friends- I owe you my life, my happiness and my redeeming future. Happy President’s Day!!
Many of us will look back on our lives and agree with the idea that the friendships that hurt us the most molded us into the people we are today. I have loved and lost, and I’m not just talking about relationships- I’m talking about friendships. I believe that losing a friend is the greatest loss of all losses because it’s as if you (or the other person) decided at one point in each other's lives that you or they were no longer valuable enough to keep. Therefore, you or they decided it was best to let go altogether.
But friendships are not about what you get, it’s about what you give; the bond of commitment you extend to the other person. You see, in the end, you don’t hold your commitments; your commitments hold you. The commitments we make are like magnets: they pull us toward each other. In friendship, commitments means being there for someone even when it’s NOT convenient. Granted, sometimes the other person can be hard to love, but love them intentionally (regardless of the way they might have treated you in the past or present). Your reaction is their lifeline back to grace and goodness.
As many of you know, a couple of my friends have created a bucket list that is numbered to however old we will be turning. So for me, I will be turning the big “2-5” this June and I have 25 small (but great!) plans to still accomplish till then. One of the significant goals on my list was to “repair a past relationship (#24).” When I initially scripted these words, I did not have anyone in mind because I felt that in my past, I have severed more relationships/ friendships than I was able to create. So here I was with the daunting question of, “where do I start? Who do I start with?” It was actually very overwhelming, seeing as I’m a very passive soul and I cry at the thought of confrontation (I really do). But God knew.
So a month after I made my list, a situation arose where I had to front an “ex-friend/acquaintance” about a life style that was hazardous to be around. I consulted friends and family about what I should do and more often than not, their reaction was, “drop her like its hot.” (No, seriously, that’s what they said). But ONE person challenged me to love her HARD- pray for patience but continue to stand by her. So I did. Long story short, a few weeks later she came to me not quite apologizing but confessed that “losing you [me] once was hard enough, I don’t want to lose you [yours truly] again.” Mind you, this was while I was completing #18: “Run a marathon” so if I wasn’t out of breathe by then, I was now. But see what I’m saying? It might take a couple of years for forgiveness and redemption to sink in, but IT. WILL. COME. I guarantee that. Shoot, I CHALLENGE you to test me. YEAH. “Come at me, brah!” [lol! Thanks Dan.] That’s right. I dare you- wait. I DOUBLE, dog, dare you. Shoot! I “WWJD” you!
So take this is my declaration of commitment. You extend your hand, I'll super glue it to mine. If that's something you don't want, I advise you not to give me high fives.
Life is too short to go on bitterly and fearfully. I have come a looooooooooonnng ass way and I am looking forward to the road ahead. In repairing the old, I’ve also been blessed to acquire new friends too! These people make up a third of who I am today. I love them with all my ventricles and other cardiac muscles and more.
So here’s to you, my old and new friends- I owe you my life, my happiness and my redeeming future. Happy President’s Day!!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"25 Things to do before 25"
*currently listening to: "This Scientist"-Coldplay
It's been a hot minutes since I've ever tried blogging. Remember when xanga was the shiz? It's been six years since I've blogged. A lot has happened since then. For instance, I realized that the "D" in Disney is not a music note, it's actually the letter, "D." Sad. I know. Don't judge. It happens to the best of us. Secondly, I realized that I'm not getting any younger. Times have changed. I've gained and lost, laughed and cried, and even broken down a few times here and there. It's natural; I'm a woman. But everytime I've fallen I have been privileged to have amazing people help me back up. That's when I realized that friendship is necessary. It's not just a want; it's a necessity. A French-Cuban author by the name of Anais Nin once wrote that, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ON. POINT. It's true too, each person you allow into your life (whether its negative or positive) takes part of your personality and who you are today. So take time to appreciate those close or even far in your life. Life's too short to go unnoticed.
On that note! Let me get into what I really wanted to share today. Thanks to my amazing, fun, and enthusiatic friends, we have decided to each compile a bucketlist of things to do before our next birthday. How it works is whatever our number age we are will be the number of things we must accomplish by our next birthdates. For many girls, 25 is a HUGE number. It's half a century of living! It means we can rent cars without that annoying fee, and it means we can account for a legit adult when asked to escourt anyone under the age of 18 into an adult venue. Basically, it's the awesome year.'NUFF SAID. I've thought long and hard about what is going on my list and this is what I've come up with:
1. Dance Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” and post on Youtube.
2. Learn how to ballroom dance.
3. Pierce my ears once more.
4. Sew a dress.
5. Create a D.I.Y. (Do it yourself) project.
6. Make a new tradition.
7. Crash a College Football game.
8. Sing at a Kareoke Bar.
9. Go to a strip/gay bar.
10. Travel OUTSIDE the U.S.
11. Start a blog and keep with it.
12. Get my own apartment. June 1, 2011
13. Dedicate a song or be dedicated on the radio.
14. Go ziplining.
15. Bunji Jump.
16. Jump off a waterfall. Sep. 20, 2011
17. Replace my tattoo with something more constructive.
18. Run a marathon.
19. Face a fear. Oct. 29, 2011
20. Learn a whole song on the piano.
21. Make a new friend and keep them.
22. See a Broadway Show.
23. Witness a birth.
24. Repair a past relationship.
25. Save a life.
So, for the next few blogs you guys will witness these 25 things come to life. If you have any ideas for my next bucklist, I would love to hear them or just hear from you in general. If you notice, this blog is my #11. :)
Till next time...
It's been a hot minutes since I've ever tried blogging. Remember when xanga was the shiz? It's been six years since I've blogged. A lot has happened since then. For instance, I realized that the "D" in Disney is not a music note, it's actually the letter, "D." Sad. I know. Don't judge. It happens to the best of us. Secondly, I realized that I'm not getting any younger. Times have changed. I've gained and lost, laughed and cried, and even broken down a few times here and there. It's natural; I'm a woman. But everytime I've fallen I have been privileged to have amazing people help me back up. That's when I realized that friendship is necessary. It's not just a want; it's a necessity. A French-Cuban author by the name of Anais Nin once wrote that, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ON. POINT. It's true too, each person you allow into your life (whether its negative or positive) takes part of your personality and who you are today. So take time to appreciate those close or even far in your life. Life's too short to go unnoticed.
On that note! Let me get into what I really wanted to share today. Thanks to my amazing, fun, and enthusiatic friends, we have decided to each compile a bucketlist of things to do before our next birthday. How it works is whatever our number age we are will be the number of things we must accomplish by our next birthdates. For many girls, 25 is a HUGE number. It's half a century of living! It means we can rent cars without that annoying fee, and it means we can account for a legit adult when asked to escourt anyone under the age of 18 into an adult venue. Basically, it's the awesome year.'NUFF SAID. I've thought long and hard about what is going on my list and this is what I've come up with:
1. Dance Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” and post on Youtube.
2. Learn how to ballroom dance.
3. Pierce my ears once more.
4. Sew a dress.
5. Create a D.I.Y. (Do it yourself) project.
6. Make a new tradition.
7. Crash a College Football game.
8. Sing at a Kareoke Bar.
9. Go to a strip/gay bar.
10. Travel OUTSIDE the U.S.
11. Start a blog and keep with it.
12. Get my own apartment. June 1, 2011
13. Dedicate a song or be dedicated on the radio.
14. Go ziplining.
15. Bunji Jump.
16. Jump off a waterfall. Sep. 20, 2011
17. Replace my tattoo with something more constructive.
18. Run a marathon.
19. Face a fear. Oct. 29, 2011
20. Learn a whole song on the piano.
21. Make a new friend and keep them.
22. See a Broadway Show.
23. Witness a birth.
24. Repair a past relationship.
25. Save a life.
So, for the next few blogs you guys will witness these 25 things come to life. If you have any ideas for my next bucklist, I would love to hear them or just hear from you in general. If you notice, this blog is my #11. :)
Till next time...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Listen to what I'm not saying..
The saddest feeling is being with you and you not filling that empty space I need filled. You say you understand, but you haven't even began to listen to what I have to say. My heart is yearning for another persons soul. That's why I'm constantly surrounded by other people. I want to feel that I am needed by others, especially by you. But you don't get that ME being NEEDED by YOU is that missing piece. And it's like with every other guy i've tried to make them all fit, or hope that they would. One actually even came close. He fit, but he wasn't the "right key."
I'm not looking for lookalikes, I'm needing you to fill that void. I try to help you to make myself feel like YOU NEED me in your life. I cry not only cause I feel guilty that I take up your time, but because I'm sad. I'm sad because you don't get that I NEED YOU to need me. I need to be needed. Not wanted. Nobody can actually define what they want in life. They want the world and all it's riches, but they take for granted what their heart needs.
I need a soul to need me the way I need them. I want you to be that soul, but I will not assume you to be. I've done that so many times in the past and it's only caused a buttload of heartache. I will not allow myself to go through that again. I want you to be my ending so i can have my new beginning.
Do you understand that? You continually say, "I don't need to be in a relationship, but I want to be in one with you..." You think that's romantic? That, that will make me feel better? Well, you're completely wrong. You kill me everytime you tell me that. I need someone to need me. Then, I will know I am that missing piece for them and he for me.
I'm not looking for lookalikes, I'm needing you to fill that void. I try to help you to make myself feel like YOU NEED me in your life. I cry not only cause I feel guilty that I take up your time, but because I'm sad. I'm sad because you don't get that I NEED YOU to need me. I need to be needed. Not wanted. Nobody can actually define what they want in life. They want the world and all it's riches, but they take for granted what their heart needs.
I need a soul to need me the way I need them. I want you to be that soul, but I will not assume you to be. I've done that so many times in the past and it's only caused a buttload of heartache. I will not allow myself to go through that again. I want you to be my ending so i can have my new beginning.
Do you understand that? You continually say, "I don't need to be in a relationship, but I want to be in one with you..." You think that's romantic? That, that will make me feel better? Well, you're completely wrong. You kill me everytime you tell me that. I need someone to need me. Then, I will know I am that missing piece for them and he for me.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"Dream banking-Vampires"
Last night, I dreamt of vampires and being one...then, having my head cut off cause I was. So, again, being as curious as I am, I looked up what MIGHT be the meaning of having vampires in your dream and dying meant. This is what I came across.
Vampire
To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to it. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.
To dream that you are a vampire, signifies that you are sucking in the life energy of others for your own selfish benefit.
**See The Meaning In Action: "Fighting Vampires & Alluring Vampires"
The vampires in your dream may suggest that you are feeling drained of your life energy and autonomy. In dreaming that you are fighting these vampires, is a literal depiction of your daily struggles with keeping things in order. You may be suffering from exhaustion or feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your domestic or personal life which explains the tiredness you feel when you wake up.�
Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
((http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreambank.pl?method=exact&header=dreamid&search=vampiredream1)
Now again, let me reiterate that I do not believe that dreams have literal meanings but that the mind has it's own way of processing our everyday's feelings, events, and so forth. Then in our slumber, our active minds recreate how we feel in an anology or story in our minds.
I dreamnt of vampires, which of course, are fictional characters. But I dreamnt that they were real and I became one. Lately, I've been struggling with what I'm suppose to be doing with my life, and even to the point of asking God to reveal to me already what he would have me to do to serve him with my time here on earth.
I've lived my life with the mindset that I will NOT be those women who's life calling is to simply be a "domestic engineer". I've constructed my life with the struggle to be indepedent, strong, and without many things women "need"-men.
But I finally came to the acceptance that I just might simply be called to be one's "help-meet". I've been struggling with this issue. Being one's helper doesn't neccessarily mean you are below them or even lower than them. It simply means you are more humble than most to accept that another persons needs your assistance. I've fought my whole life to be a career women only to finally open my heart to the fact that what I'm best at is helping others, and that no career I can possibly obtain will ever give me true satisfatction like I get when I'm teaching my teen girls class or when I'm helping Phil out at the care home. I'm a packaged deal. I come with MANY talents, but one purpose and that is to serve. "Serve what?" you might ask. Well, basically whoever God has in mind for me, He will be called to do something or somewhere where He will NEED me. That is where my service and life purpose may start.
So basically, my dream helped me come to terms with the fact that I am moving on to big things in life, and I shouldn't be scared. And it's not I'm scared that I won't make it in life alone, but more like, scared that everything I thought I wanted to be(successful, financially stable, and independent)might not be what God really wants me to be, but simple a women of humility. Enough to be a lover of life and a helper to all.
Vampire
To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to it. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.
To dream that you are a vampire, signifies that you are sucking in the life energy of others for your own selfish benefit.
**See The Meaning In Action: "Fighting Vampires & Alluring Vampires"
The vampires in your dream may suggest that you are feeling drained of your life energy and autonomy. In dreaming that you are fighting these vampires, is a literal depiction of your daily struggles with keeping things in order. You may be suffering from exhaustion or feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your domestic or personal life which explains the tiredness you feel when you wake up.�
Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
((http://dreammoods.com/cgibin/dreambank.pl?method=exact&header=dreamid&search=vampiredream1)
Now again, let me reiterate that I do not believe that dreams have literal meanings but that the mind has it's own way of processing our everyday's feelings, events, and so forth. Then in our slumber, our active minds recreate how we feel in an anology or story in our minds.
I dreamnt of vampires, which of course, are fictional characters. But I dreamnt that they were real and I became one. Lately, I've been struggling with what I'm suppose to be doing with my life, and even to the point of asking God to reveal to me already what he would have me to do to serve him with my time here on earth.
I've lived my life with the mindset that I will NOT be those women who's life calling is to simply be a "domestic engineer". I've constructed my life with the struggle to be indepedent, strong, and without many things women "need"-men.
But I finally came to the acceptance that I just might simply be called to be one's "help-meet". I've been struggling with this issue. Being one's helper doesn't neccessarily mean you are below them or even lower than them. It simply means you are more humble than most to accept that another persons needs your assistance. I've fought my whole life to be a career women only to finally open my heart to the fact that what I'm best at is helping others, and that no career I can possibly obtain will ever give me true satisfatction like I get when I'm teaching my teen girls class or when I'm helping Phil out at the care home. I'm a packaged deal. I come with MANY talents, but one purpose and that is to serve. "Serve what?" you might ask. Well, basically whoever God has in mind for me, He will be called to do something or somewhere where He will NEED me. That is where my service and life purpose may start.
So basically, my dream helped me come to terms with the fact that I am moving on to big things in life, and I shouldn't be scared. And it's not I'm scared that I won't make it in life alone, but more like, scared that everything I thought I wanted to be(successful, financially stable, and independent)might not be what God really wants me to be, but simple a women of humility. Enough to be a lover of life and a helper to all.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Living with the past in my present.
I want to believe that I deserve better. Truth is, I don't (feel that way). I want to believe that all the wrong i've committed in the past will remain there and "karma" will have it's way and be done with me, but no. I guess God has a different plan for me. I've come a long way from the girl I use to be, but I guess I have a long ways to still travel.
I've been in one relationship where I feel like I was worth it, that he needed me, and I him. It lasted for a good few years, and then high school ended and I realized, there's so much more to life as I knew it. But did I make the right decision letting it go? Not the person, but the commitment part. Since then, I haven't found anyone who can stand me for more than 9 months....that is, till now. And I mistake his graciousness and patience as undeserving. But who am I to say I do or don't deserve the best that God has to offer. My past sins have taken up root in my heart, that when great things come my way, I automatically think it's a hoax, or it'll soon end, cause God forbid, it always happens.
This relationship has been the most realistic relationship I've ever been in, and I'm having a hard time distinguishing if I deserve to continue to keep him trying for me, because I need him to, I want him to. I need to know that this time around, it's not just words rolling off beautiful lips and into my naive ears that, "I will be here for you, I will see you through whatever you are going through..." I've heard it time and time again. And time and time again, I've been without. I want don't want to feel guilty loving someone. And I certainly don't want to drive another person away because I feel that I don't deserve them.
How can I change my mindset? should I ask him to convince me? But this isn't a case, and I am not God nor a judge. but I need to know, if my heart is risking something worth the breaking. I want to love, and be loved for who I truly am. I've found people who can begin to love me, but I want to end with someone who would want me even more months, years down the line. I think I've found someone worthy. Only time will tell. It's hard to live in the moment when you look at someone and see something so beautiful and at the same time something so mysterious that you're scared to know what may come next.
I've been in one relationship where I feel like I was worth it, that he needed me, and I him. It lasted for a good few years, and then high school ended and I realized, there's so much more to life as I knew it. But did I make the right decision letting it go? Not the person, but the commitment part. Since then, I haven't found anyone who can stand me for more than 9 months....that is, till now. And I mistake his graciousness and patience as undeserving. But who am I to say I do or don't deserve the best that God has to offer. My past sins have taken up root in my heart, that when great things come my way, I automatically think it's a hoax, or it'll soon end, cause God forbid, it always happens.
This relationship has been the most realistic relationship I've ever been in, and I'm having a hard time distinguishing if I deserve to continue to keep him trying for me, because I need him to, I want him to. I need to know that this time around, it's not just words rolling off beautiful lips and into my naive ears that, "I will be here for you, I will see you through whatever you are going through..." I've heard it time and time again. And time and time again, I've been without. I want don't want to feel guilty loving someone. And I certainly don't want to drive another person away because I feel that I don't deserve them.
How can I change my mindset? should I ask him to convince me? But this isn't a case, and I am not God nor a judge. but I need to know, if my heart is risking something worth the breaking. I want to love, and be loved for who I truly am. I've found people who can begin to love me, but I want to end with someone who would want me even more months, years down the line. I think I've found someone worthy. Only time will tell. It's hard to live in the moment when you look at someone and see something so beautiful and at the same time something so mysterious that you're scared to know what may come next.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Dream Banking
I've been having odd dreams lately. I want to start documenting them to see if there is a pattern. So last nights dream....
I dreamed that I was riding a bicycle in a repetitive circle. Crowds of people doing the same, but I remember specifically HOW i felt in this dream. I felt scared, worried, apprehensive. I looked around to see if there was anyone following me, and there was no one.
I know we (Christians) don't believe in dream interpretation but I believe WHAT we dream are forms of our minds tangible way of reiterating back to us how we truly feel. We create characters and scenarios in our slumber as a form of self honesty. "In sleep, we are revoked of denial." I looked up what "bicycle" could possible depict and this is a plausible "interpretation" (if you will) of what I might be dreaming or more like truly feeling, and I have to say, I agree.
Bicycle
"To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own.
To see a bicycle in your dream, indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.
To dream that you are riding tandem in a bicycle, suggests that you are more accepting with aspects of yourself or of your partner that you have previously rejected (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/b2.htm)."
When I am honest with myself, that is truly how I feel. I'm about to be 23. I'm a very independent woman by nature, but doesn't 'mean I'm good at being one. I have the DESIRE to be independent and the need to be, but I have difficulty accepting that God hasn't revealed to me the proper time to be self sufficient. I was suppose to move out in March, and at the last minute, all my plans fell through. It was hard to bow out of that scene, but I had to move on. I still had to stay focused in school, work, and be reliable at home. All these aspects of my life, I desire to fulfill my responsibilities to the fullest-a desire to attain a balance in my life.
So when it really comes down to it, I believe dreams still have meaning. They might not be it's literal depiction of whatever happened in our dreams but they represent things in our daily lives or thank that matter enough to take the form of "bicycles". This is just my opinion. I'm not trying to contradict my faith, but I'm a psychology major. My opinions become louder.
Let me know what you guys think, or have to say on the matter. I'd love to hear from you.
I dreamed that I was riding a bicycle in a repetitive circle. Crowds of people doing the same, but I remember specifically HOW i felt in this dream. I felt scared, worried, apprehensive. I looked around to see if there was anyone following me, and there was no one.
I know we (Christians) don't believe in dream interpretation but I believe WHAT we dream are forms of our minds tangible way of reiterating back to us how we truly feel. We create characters and scenarios in our slumber as a form of self honesty. "In sleep, we are revoked of denial." I looked up what "bicycle" could possible depict and this is a plausible "interpretation" (if you will) of what I might be dreaming or more like truly feeling, and I have to say, I agree.
Bicycle
"To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own.
To see a bicycle in your dream, indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.
To dream that you are riding tandem in a bicycle, suggests that you are more accepting with aspects of yourself or of your partner that you have previously rejected (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/b2.htm)."
When I am honest with myself, that is truly how I feel. I'm about to be 23. I'm a very independent woman by nature, but doesn't 'mean I'm good at being one. I have the DESIRE to be independent and the need to be, but I have difficulty accepting that God hasn't revealed to me the proper time to be self sufficient. I was suppose to move out in March, and at the last minute, all my plans fell through. It was hard to bow out of that scene, but I had to move on. I still had to stay focused in school, work, and be reliable at home. All these aspects of my life, I desire to fulfill my responsibilities to the fullest-a desire to attain a balance in my life.
So when it really comes down to it, I believe dreams still have meaning. They might not be it's literal depiction of whatever happened in our dreams but they represent things in our daily lives or thank that matter enough to take the form of "bicycles". This is just my opinion. I'm not trying to contradict my faith, but I'm a psychology major. My opinions become louder.
Let me know what you guys think, or have to say on the matter. I'd love to hear from you.
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